Since tonight is Halloween, I though I'd start off with a really scary story: One week from today either Al Gore or George W. Bush will be elected President.

Twenty journalists surprised George W. Bush by wearing George W. Bush masks. After seeing them, confused George W said, "Wait a minute, which one is me?"

Some democrats have been asking Ralph Nader to stop campaigning for President because he's hurting Al Gore's chances. Meanwhile the rest of Democratic Party has been asking Al Gore to stop campaigning because they think he's hurting Al Gore's chances.

In a recent interview President Clinton said that the Republicans should apologize for the Monica Lewinsky scandal. It's all part of an interview that appears in this month's "Lost Touch with Reality" magazine.

Yesterday, Joe Lieberman surprised his mom by showing up her birthday party in Florida. Meanwhile, George W. Bush surprised his mom by spelling "Mississippi" correctly.

In a brand-new interview Barbra Streisand said that she would have taken Bill Clinton back after his affair with Monica Lewinsky just like Hillary did. After hearing this Hillary thanked for her support and then had sex with James Brolin.

In San Francisco, developers wanna build a floating hotel that will be a giant replica of the Titanic. The great thing about the Titanic hotel is that instead of going down the hall to get ice the ice comes to your room.

Last night on the campaign trail, it was revealed that in 1976 George W. Bush was arrested for drunk driving. According to reports the arresting officer became suspicious when he noticed George W. "wasn't" slurring his words.

This Election Day for the first time ever, some voters are going to be allowed to cast their ballots over the Internet. And if you don't wanna vote, you can still download pictures of naked co-eds from the electoral college.

Next fall a new TV show is going to air called "Who Wants to Date a Hooters Girl?"Apparently, it's the perfect show for people who say the questions on Millionaire are too hard.

A spokesperson for the program "Live with Regis" says that until they find replacement for Cathy Lee Gifford, Cathy Lee won't be allowed to be back on the show. In a related story Regis Philbin announced that finding replacement should take about 15 - 20 years.

Yesterday in Washington, President Clinton met with Yasir Arafat. Arafat said he plans on returning to the Middle East as soon as possible because right now things are too chaotic here.

One of the big issues in the election concerns Gore supporters in Florida who claim that they accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. In fact, some of the older voters were so confused, they thought they were voting for President James Buchanan.

It was reported today that television ratings on election night were the highest in 40 years. The networks are thrilled and as a result they promised to incorrectly call the election from now on.

Al Gore's campaign manager is now asking for the ballots in four Florida districts to be counted by hand. George W. Bush said, "Well, that'll never work. What happens when you run out fingers."

Elderly citizens in Palm Beach, Florida have been busy writing thousands and thousands of letters to their election board, complaining that the ballot was too confusing. Unfortunately, none of the letter has been received because the Palm Beach residents mailed them to their cats.

While the election is being decided George W. Bush has apparently been very busy assembling his cabinet. Meanwhile, Al Gore has been busy resembling a cabinet.

This afternoon Vise President Al Gore played touch football with his wife Tipper and other members of his family. Gore scored more points than anyone else but somehow he still lost.

George W. Bush's spokesperson says that governor Bush is now wearing a huge Band-Aid on the side of his face. Apparently, it's there to cover up minor infection decried by the spokesperson as some sort of boil. Not only that Bush said he has a boil on his ass he calls Al Gore.

All of the news channels covering the election controversy in Florida have been giving their coverage different names. For example, MSNBC calls it "Battle for the White House"; CNN is calling it "Florida Recount"; and FOX is calling it "When Bikini Voters Attack."

Earlier today, a Florida ruled that state officials can cut off the vote recount in the Presidential election at 5PM. Apparently, the ballots had to be in by 5, so that the vote counters wouldn't miss the early bird special.

President Clinton is in Brunei right now on his way to Vietnam. Which is really great 'cause now is the perfect time to convince those countries that the democracy is the way to go.

According to brand-new polls that just came out few hours ago, most Americans are sick of hearing about the election problems on the news. After hearing this, President Clinton offered, for the sake of the country, to have oral sex with Monika Lewinsky again.

Yesterday, Senator Trent Lott said that Thomas Jefferson was elected after facing a situation similar to the one now, and he turned out to be a great president. When he heard this, George W. Bush said, "Wait a minute. I thought Thomas Jefferson was a high school."

If there is going to be a statewide recount in Florida, former president Jimmy Carter has offered to oversee it. Apparently, Al Gore told Carter, "No thanks, I can lose this one on my own."

It was reported today that the sales of Kathy Lee Gifford's new CD are extremely low. In her defense a spokesperson for the retail industry said that the sales of gag gifts are down nationwide - so don't worry about it.

In the state of Arkansas they began taking down the 80 signs within its boarders that say, "Home of President Clinton". The 80 signs have been purchased and will be displayed in Hooters restaurant across the country.

A spokesperson for George W. Bush said that for the past few days George W. has kept his TV completely turned off. The problem is he's been annoying everybody around him by constantly asking, "What are the Teletubbies up to?"

Al Gore says if he ends up winning the election, he'd be more than happy to travel to George W. Bush's home so they can meet and discuss national unity. Apparently, George W. has a different proposal: he offered to meet Gore in hell!

John Travolta says he wants to make some improvements to his movie "Battlefield Earth" before it's released on video. The video should sell pretty well 'cause Travolta is changing the title to "Blank tape".

The other day, a beauty queen in Thailand had to give up her crown because the organizers had discovered she is a man. They should have been able to figure it out during the pageant because her talent was peeing standing up.

Some Republican congressmen now are actually threatening to boycott the inauguration and the parade to the White House if Al Gore becomes President. Not only that, George W. Bush's threatening to boycott the Thanksgiving parade if they don't have a Scooby Doo baloon.

President Clinton says that this Thanksgiving we should share the spirit of Thanksgiving and reinforce the ties of our communities. Meanwhile, George W. Bush said that this Thanksgiving Democrats should screw off and let him be President.

Supermodel Naomi Cambell has taken up boxing as part of her struggle to control her notorious temper. Cambell said she got the idea of using boxing to control her temper because it works so well for Mike Tyson.

On Monday, a magician David Blaine is crawl into a block of ice and stay there for two days. Blaine has been preparing for the stunt by having an affair with Martha Stewart.

Yesterday, Senator Joe Lieberman called the voting recount in Florida incomplete. In response, George W. Bush said, "What's wrong with 'incomplete'? That was my best grade in college."

It's been reported that if Al Gore doesn't become President this time, he will not run again in 2004 because his wife Tipper doesn't want him to. And also because America doesn't want him to.

Dick Cheney says that George W. Bush plans on emphasizing diversity in his administration. Apparently, they're gonna hire white guys from all different parts of Texas.

A spokesperson for George W. Bush says if George Bush ends up being the President, there's a good possibility he will appoint some Democrats to his cabinet. For instance, George W. is planning on appointing Al Gore as his secretary of kiss-my-ass.

In a brief submitted to the Supreme Court, Al Gore's lawyers have said that George W. Bush's arguments on the presidential election are insubstantial. George W. denied this and he said, "My arguments aren't insubstantial - they are in English!"

If George W. Bush becomes President and names Colin Powell as his Secretary of State, Powell will be the highest ranked black cabinet member in the U.S. history. After hearing this George W. Bush said, "Wait a minute, he is black?"

In a recent interview Hillary Clinton said that someday she will publish her memoirs and they will address her husband's infidelity. Hillary said she's already halfway through because she's finished the first 27 volumes.

Hundreds of people camped out overnight outside the Supreme Court, hoping to be one of the few allowed inside to watch. Apparently, the crowd was made up of Democrats, Republicants, and people who thought they were gonna see a Phish concert.

Today, the Supreme Court heard arguments from lawyers for Al Gore and the lawyers for George W. Bush. Unfortunately, some of the older Supreme Court's justices got confused and accidentally ruled in favor of Pat Buchanan.

Yesterday, President Clinton gave his opinion; President Clinton said that the Florida votes should be recounted or "America should be embarrassed in front of the world". The president went on to say, "Remember, embarrassing America in front of the world is my job".