The union that represents actors who are appearing commercials is on strike, and now Tiger Woods is refusing to cross the picket line to film a new Nike ad. He is siding with the strike. Which means that until the strike is over people will only be able to watch Tiger's 500 other commercials.

Earlier today, people lined up again to buy lottery tickets in New Jersey because nobody won the jackpot last night; it's now worth 200 million dollars. Apparently, the jackpot is now so large that the winner will know what it's like to divorce Ted Turner.

A new study shows that kids who eat dinner 5 nights a week with their parents are more likely to use alcohol responsively. That is true because when I was little, my parents always said, "If you don't eat your vegetables you can't have any Jack Daniels"

Madonna's London butler was recently fired, and now he's thinking about suing Madonna for being let go unfairly. Apparently, Madonna fired the butler because he was sloppy, irresponsible, and had a low sperm count.

Earlier today, an email virus was circulated worldwide that says, "I Love You", and when you respond to it, it destroys your hard drive. Apparently, the email was inspired by my college girlfriend.

Because of their plummeting stock price, the Coca-Cola company is trying to boost employee moral by closing on Friday afternoon and adding a paid holiday. A spokesman for the company said, "If that doesn't work, we're gonna put the cocaine back in our Cola."

The producers of "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" announced that later this month they are gonna air a behind-the-scenes look at the game show. For example, we'll get to see how the game's questions are selected, then tested on a group of learning-disabled monkeys.

Earlier tonight, Kathie Lee Gifford was interviewed on "20/20", and she said that when she found out about her husband Frank's affair, she wanted to kill him. Instead, she came up with a punishment worse than death: she made up with him.

Political experts said today that Hillary Clinton has been gaining votes because she's been campaigning in remote regions that are usually ignored by politicians. When asked about this, Hillary said, "Believe me, I understand what it's like to have a region that's ignored by a politician."

A male waiter at a Florida TGI Fridays sued the waitresses he works with because they kept grabbing his penis. Now a court has ordered that behavior to stop. Which is real shame because for a minute there it actually seemed that there was a reason to go to a TGI Fridays.

Police in a Massachusetts town are pulling motorists over to praise them when they notice courteous driving. Town officials say they are doing this because nothing says thank you like having your time wasted by a cop.

Kathie Lee Gifford was signing autographs at a New Jersey mall yesterday, when a man dumped a bag of live mice in front of her. Gifford described the mice as the ickiest creatures she's seen since she met the employees in her clothing factory.

This week, thousands of New Yorkers traveled across state line to New Jersey to buy tickets to the 325 million-dollar Big Game drawing. Many other New Yorkers stayed home because they realized it's not worth 325 million dollars to "visit" New Jersey.

Today is the 40th anniversary of the birth control pill. If you want a reason to celebrate this, think of all the people you don't have to hear bitch about turning 40.

Earlier today, John McCain and George W. held a high profile meeting, and after the meeting McCain endorsed George W. Then afterwards Bush asked, "What 'endorse' means?"

The other night, Hillary Clinton said that since she'd become a candidate, she and the president are now experiencing "role reversal." The First Lady said that until she began her run for senate she had no idea there was "so much sweet tail out there."

Elian Gonzalez's court case started today, and the issue is whether or not a 6 year-old boy can have political beliefs strong enough to want asylum. Apparently, in a passionate speech Elian said that he can't live under Castro because of the deplorable condition of Cuba's Pokemon cards.

Next week, after 10 years of shows the FOX network will air the final episode of "Beverly Hills 90210 ". The casts said that it's been a great one, and they are looking forward to a long career of game shows and "Where Are They?" specials.

The other day at a conference on sex addiction, which I attended, experts said that the Internet has caused a hypersexuality that is "ruining American marriages". In fact, they said the Internet is almost as dangerous to marriage as being president of the United States or mayor of New York.

The FOX network had a big sweep show last night called "Battle Of The Child Geniuses", where the show vows to find the smartest kid in America. The winner received the college scholarship, and the loser was forced to marry Darva Conger.

It was announced today that Paula Jones, the woman who started the whole Clinton scandal, has agreed to do a nude photo spread for Penthouse. And when the magazine comes out she's going to sue every man who looks at it.

A man in Evansville Indiana was arrested for washing his car in nothing but a G-string. Unfortunately, not only is the man facing prison time but his car still seems somehow dirty.

The Brazilian lingerie model, who had Mick Jagger's baby, says that even though she an Mick are fighting over child support, they're still good friends. She said, "For example, we still get together every once in a while, grab coffee and he impregnates me.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince held a giant press conference to announce that he would now like people to go back calling him Prince. Later the journalists issued a press release saying they now would like to be known as “The Reporters Who Didn’t Show Up ‘Cause They Don’t Care Anymore. “

The country in India is apparently updating popular English nursery rhymes to make them more accessible to the people of India. For example, one of the rhymes starts out “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe—No, seriously she lived in a shoe!”

ABC announced that next season they are gonna be producing a version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire for college students. Apparently, it’s a lot like the regular show but contestants receives an additional lifeline where they can store for time by doing a bong head.

The other night during a show at the Metropolitan Opera, Luciano Pavarotti tripped and fell on stage. As a result for the first time ever, the Metropolitan Opera House now has 2 orchestra pits.

Yesterday, George W. Bush accused Al Gore of trying to “scare the elderly.” In response Gore said, ”That’s ridiculous,” then launched into a speech entitled “Vote for me or you’ll never see Angela Lansbury again.”

In a brand-new interview, Brittany Spears was asked about breast augmentation surgery and she said, “Personally, I could never do it.” Brittany went on to say, “That’s why I had a skilled surgeon do it for me.”

The movie “Mission Impossible 2” opens today. In this one, Tom Cruise played a secret agent trying to catch the bad guys who made “Mission Impossible 1.”

Yesterday, at a promotional event in Central Park, a man won one million dollars when he sank a 100-foot putt. Unfortunately, by the time he left Central Park he only had 6 dollars and a police report.

In the speech yesterday, George W. Bush promised that if elected he will reduce America’s nuclear arsenals. Actually in fairness George W’s exact quote was, “I’ll get rid of some of our ‘stash’.”

Recently, the National Organization for Women spent hundreds of hours watching all 4 networks, and they decided after watching all these hours that NBC presents women in the most socially responsible way. Although that could all change when NBC unveils their brand-new show “Naked Chicks on Ice.”

This week Brittany Spears’ new album debuted at number 1 on the chart, and it sold more copies than all the other top-10 albums combined. I personally think Brittany is getting corky ‘cause she told the reporters that she could produce another hit record with one implant hide behind her back.

A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is not necessary during CPR and it’s better to skip right to chest compression. However, the study says that you’re still required to snuggle for half an hour afterwards.

Several teenage boys who subscribed to a skateboard magazine and were accidentally sent an S&M sex magazine instead are now suing the publisher because they suffered emotional damages. They are asking for 2 million dollars but they said they would settle for a lifetime subscription of the S&M magazine.

Earlier tonight, president Clinton made the final State of the Union address of his presidency. You could kind of tell that Clinton is at the end of his last term because he delivered the speech from his hot tub.

NASA announced yesterday that 87 of the 88 tests that John Glenn conducted in the space last year were successful. In fact, the only test that Glenn wasn’t able to complete successfully was when they asked him to program a VCR.

Yesterday, the Thomas Jefferson Foundation revealed that the former president fathered 6 illegitimate children. Apparently, that’s he meant by “pursuit of happiness.”