Yesterday, after another ugly incident, the Atlanta Braves demoted controversial pitcher John Rocker to the minor leagues. Things keep getting worse and worse for Rocker because the name of the Braves' minor league team is 'the Richmond Queers.'

In Mexico, the political party that has ruled for 71 years has started to use male strippers to entertain crowds of female voters. Unfortunately for the crowds, the strippers have also been with the party for 71 years.

The other day Britney Spears told reporters that she plans on remaining virgin until she gets married. Apparently, Britney went on to say few other things, but the reporters were laughing too hard to hear.

The other day in Australia, a honey crocodile started humping a seaplane and did thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage to the aircraft. As weird as that story is, a similar thing once happened on Air Force One.

It was reported today that there's a new political party being formed called the "Outlaw party" that has a 400-dollar war chest and its main goal is legalizing marijuana. Unfortunately, this afternoon they spent all 400 dollars on Oreo cookie ice cream.

According to a new poll, 50% of Americans say that at some point in their lives they were spanked by their parents. The other 50% say at some point in their lives they were spanked by president Clinton.

As a result of a supreme court ruling the other day, a controversial photographer was allowed to photograph dozens of naked people under a New York bridge. To make room for the dozens of naked people New York police first had to clear out the hundreds of naked people that actually lived under the bridge.

The comic strip Little Orphan Annie returned to newspapers today, and the cartoonist says that the strip has been updated to give Annie a more contemporary feel. For instance, in the first script little orphan Annie has a blood test and tries to prove that her real father is Mick Jagger.

Yesterday, burglars broke into Modonna's home in London. Unfortunately, the burglars got away before Madonna got a good look at their sperm count.

Yesterday, a several judges ruled that Microsoft should be split into two different companies. Here's how it's gonna work: one company will manufacture the Windows operating systems, and the other company will count Bill Gates' money.

This weekend, the Yankees and Mets play a big subway series right here in the city. Or, as John Rocker calls "the unwed pregnant crack head sitting next to the Hispanic queer series."

We have big news in the world of television: we're still on the air, and the CBS show 'Survivor,' the show where they strand 14 people on an island and they have to live off the island. That show on CBS beat 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' in the rating this week. ABC, though, is fighting back: they announced that from now on when a contestant answers a question correctly, Regis will have to eat a bug.

The latest rumor is that Andrea Agasi and Steffi Graf are gonna get married this weekend. Reportedly, Agasi told her he will marry her but only if she promises never to do a show called 'Suddenly Steffi.'

A woman in Long Island is very upset because her daughter found pornographic pictures that were accidentally printed in a Barney the dinosaur book. Oddly enough, the woman said that the pictures were also of something big and purple.

Celine Dion and her husband are expecting a baby next year. Not only that, the baby has already announced its retiring.

In an interview, Posh Spice said that she was recently on a flight and someone stole her suitcase which has tapes of a solo album she's working on. After hearing this, the FAA declared the person who is now in possession of that suitcase as a terrorist capable of mass destruction.

Last night, in his first appearance since returning to Atlanta Braves, John Rocker threw just 6 pitches before his manager took him out of the game. When asked about it, Rocker said, "You know, I'm glad that my manager took me out 'cause I was throwing like a queer."

Roseanne has announced that she is planning to do a nude pictorial for Playboy. When asked about it, Roseanne admitted it wasn't her idea to pose nude for Playboy; the idea came from the publisher of Penthouse.

George W. Bush accused Al Gore of copying his plan to save social security. Actually, Gore may have copied Bush's plan because Gore's plan has the exact same spelling mistakes.

The other day, a woman who was once jailed for stalking Axel Rose showed up at Axel Rose' house and was arrested for violating the terms of her parole. Apparently, one of the terms of her parole is that she stop living in the 80's. (She's also stalking the band A-ha.)

Right after winning the US Open the other day, Tigar Woods received a phone call from president Clinton. Reportedly president told Tigar, "I would love to join your in a foursome sometime and also like to play golf with you."

Yesterday, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker said that even though he made controversial comments about New York subway, next week when the Braves plays the match, he's gonna ride in the subway to the stadium. Rocker said that he'll also ride in several ambulances to several area hospitals.

Yesterday, George W. Bush said that there is no good reason why the United States is second to last in standardized test scores.  W. Bush said, "It is appalling that the only country that scored below us is that one next to the country shapes like a boot."

Pope John 2 has a new CD out, and it features Britney Spears and Jennifer Love Hewitt. The pope CD is entitled "Boobs As Big As My Hat."

Next week, Atlanta Braves is gonna be in town to play the Mets, and mayor Giuliani said that when John Rocker takes the field, New York fans should do "the classy thing." In other word, they should throw imported beer instead of the cheap domestic stuff.

Hillary Clinton is running a new campaign ad that features the slogan: "Trust me." Actually, it's much better than the original version: "Hillary the Clinton You Can Trust."

In an effort to keep out hackers, the pentagon is going to install a new security system on the computers that's gonna identify users by their body parts, voice patterns, and odors. Apparently, when log-on is successful, the computer say, "Welcome to the pentagon, you overweight stuttering slob."

The other day, one of the Backstreet Boys got married. Folks, this is a big disappointment for teenage girls, and bigger disappointment for two of the other Backstreet Boys.