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JULY

It was reported today that CBS's newest reality show "Big Brother" is not doing well in the ratings because people think it's boring. Actually, it is kind of boring -- tonight's episode just shows bunch of people sitting around watching "Survivor."

Yesterday the heavy metal band Metallica testified before the Senate, and they complained that everyday thousands of fans download their music from the Internet for free. After hearing this, Senator Strom Thurmond said, "Really? I thought I was the only one downloading Metallica everyday."

In a recent interview, pop singer Britney Spears said that she would love to marry Britain's Prince William. And the odd part is in a completely different interview, Elton John said the same thing.

Yesterday George W. Bush gave a big speech at the annual NWACP convention. Actually, it was a little uncomfortable at the beginning of the speech because George W. started by saying "Wow! There are a lot of black people here."

Yesterday environmental protesters raided and took over Al Gore's campaign office saying that Gore could do more to protect our natural resources. Things got really awkward because one of the protesters tried to chain themselves to a tree and realized that it was Al Gore.

Health experts say there are now 70 million rats in New York City, and mayor Giuliani says that he intends to have the city "trap and kill" as many as possible. In a related story, mayor Giuliani announced that this fall students will have new media school lunches.

According to a new report in today's USA TODAY, sexual activity among teenagers has declined over the past ten years. After hearing this president Clinton called the American teens "lazy" and said that when he was a teen he used to have sex barefoot while walking uphill on the snow.

The middle east peace talk is taking place, and actually due to the peace talk today president Clinton had to cancel plans to meet with members of the Super Bowl champions St. Louis Rams. The worst thing was the president was able to meet with the cheerleaders for almost 4 hours.

This week Fidel Castro said something interesting. He said in a speech that he believes Jesus Christ was a communist just like the people of Cuba. In fact Castro said sometimes Jesus would walk on water all day to reach Miami.

Britney Spears had to move a concert plan for the Hollywood Bowl because her stage show is too big for the venue. A spokesperson for the tour said that the Hollywood Bowl is only big enough for her left one.

Al Gore announced that the next month when he is in California for the Democratic convention, he will not be attending a fundraiser at the Playboy mansion. Apparently Gore decided not to go to the Playboy mansion because he cannot afford to be any stiffer than he already is.

During next month Democratic convention in Los Angeles, the Los Angeles Police Department says that they're gonna keep political activists in line by using rubber bullets and pepper spray. Coincidentally, that's the same way they'll keep the crowd awake during Al Gore speech.

Scientists say that a new male contraceptive pill that they are developing is 100% effective, and has no harmful side effects. Even more impressive, scientists are developing another pill that forces men to call the next day.

Marlon Brando is currently filming a new movie, and it's been reported that the other actors are upset because Brando keeps showing up on the set nakid from the waist down. As a result, the film has been rated "Nauseating."

Yesterday on the campaign trail, Al Gore was back home in Tenesee visiting a pre-school. Apparently, Gore gives the same speech to every audience becaues he kept asking the toddlers "Aren't you better off now than you were 4 years ago?" ("You were wetting then")

It was reported today that Taco Bell is going to stop airing their commercials featuring that talking chihuahua. A Taco Bell executive said, "The dog is OK as a spokesperson, but he was much better as a burritos"

George W. Bush finally picked his running mate, and some political analysts are saying that by picking Dick Cheney as his running mate, and hoping to put Colin Powell in his cabinet, George W. Bush just wants to recreate his father's administration. In response George W. said, "That is ridicurous" then he flew to Japan and threw up on the prime minister.

It was reported today that archeologists have discovered a 2000 year-old toilet. Apparently right after they discovered it, Bob Dole said, "Hang on, I'll be out in a minute."

It's been reported that George W. Bush's vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter, and George W. said that he knew about this and willing to support her. In a related story president Clinton announced that he 's willing to videotape her.

Political experts say that if George W. Bush wants to be elected president, it's crucial that he'll give an impressive speech at next week's Republican convention - which is very strange because they say if Gore wants to be elected president, he should never speak again.

After 15 years on the air tomorrow morning Kathy Lee Gifford will finally be making her last appearance on Live with Regis and Kathy Lee - which means now the most annoying person on TV will be the naked guy on Survivor.

George W. Bush has announced that he has chosen Dick Chaney as his running mate. George W. said if elected Chaney will be in charge of all normal vice-presidential duties as well as spelling.

Governor Bush hired Dick Chaney to advise him on picking a running mate, and Chaney ended up being the running mate. I think it happened because reportedly Chaney submitted a list of three possible candidates: himself, Carrot-top, and Eddy Van Halen.

Al Gore is trying to decide his running mate, and political experts are saying that Gore needs to find a running mate with more charisma than he has to energize the ticket. In other words, it could be anybody.

In a recent interview Britaney Spears said that she doesn't wear skimpy outfits to be sexy, she wears them so she won't sweat. Then Britaney said, "Look, I'm honestly not trying to be sexy; I just don't like sweat dripping down my sweet young thighs."


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