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March
Recent statistics that was just released about computers, which kind of blew me away, but according to a brand-new report, there are at least 200,000 Internet users who are addicted to cyber porn. I actually didn’t read the report; I just heard about it while I was in a lesbian chat room.

A New York doctor claims that he has invented a cream that makes women’s orgasms much more intense. Apparently, the cream works best when applied by Brad Pitt.

Officials at Beaver College said that they are thinking about changing the school’s name because they are sick of all the jokes people make. The only problem is that they are changing the name to “University of Bearded Clam.”

A woman is suing Pamela and Tommy Lee claiming that their dog bit her. Apparently she could tell that it was Pamela and Tommy Lee’s dog because not only did it bite her but it also humped her leg and videotaped the whole thing.

The Jenny Craig diet center has stopped running ad with Monica Lewinsky. Apparently people have been complaining because in the ads Monica recommends having a shake in the morning then a sensible penis.

It was reported today that this summer the producers of Live with Regis and Cathy Lee are going to hold a weekly audition to find her replacement for Cathy Lee Gifford. Coincidentally, Frank Gifford will be doing the same thing.

In a recent interview, Monica Lewinsky said that president Clinton is so charismatic that after being alone with him for 5 minutes, any woman would’ve done what she did---which explains why today president Clinton scheduled a “4”minute meeting with Janet Reno.

During the Democratic primary in Arizona the other day, Americans were allowed to vote via the Internet for the first time in history. Not surprisingly, Al Gore lost big time to Allisa Mirrano.

President Clinton pledged to do something about rising gas prices. In the speech, the president said that running out of gas should be a make-out ploy, not a reality.

Britteny Spears announced that she is writing a memoir where she is going to reveal the secrets of her success. Britteny won't say what the secrets are, but she says she calls them "lefty and righty."

In an upcoming interview with People magazine, Kathy Lee Gifford says that she and Frank Gifford are recovering from his affair by having sex as much as possible. Apparently, Frank asked her "Can I just work in the sweatshop?"

New York city is in the news because it's making a bid to host the 2012 summer Olympics, and if New York gets the summer Olympics one of the sites for the rowing competition would be the Hudson River. There is also going to be a rowing event called "Used condom relay."

Yesterday at Disney World's brand-new sports complex, John Rocker pitched his first baseball game since he was suspended. Then right after the game, Rocker drove over to the theme park and accused Donald Duck and Goofy of being queer.

According to a brand-new study, the part of the brain that deals with navigation is larger among cab drivers than any other people because they use that part more. For the same reason, the study shows that cab drivers have larger middle fingers.

Elton John and Elizabeth Taylor are going to be hosting a lingerie fashion show for charity. Apparently Elton John and Elizabeth Taylor will raise millions of dollars by threatening to put the lingerie on.

Madonna announced yesterday that she is pregnant again. Madonna said she realized she was pregnant when she started feeling nauseous in the morning even before she listened to her version of American Pie.

Yesterday, Michael Douglas met with lawmakers, and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. In a prepared-statement, Michael Douglas said “We have to make the world safe for our children and our trophy-wives.

Yesterday, former president Gerald Ford told the press that if the Republican Party wants to win the upcoming election George W. has to unite all the Republicans. Apparently, after hearing the comment George W. Bush said “Who’s Gerald Ford?”

It’s been reported that Monica Lewinsky has hired a personal trainer to work out privately with her in her apartment. When asked about it, Monica said “We’re going to start slow with 3-pounds cigars.”

This week actor Michael Douglas met with lawmakers, and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently, Douglas pleaded by saying “It is more important than ever that we don’t destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta Jones.”

A new program in New Jersey discourages teen pregnancy by actually giving teenagers a computerized doll that simulates a real-baby crying. The teens have to figure out if the baby is crying because it’s hungry, has a dirty diaper, or simply because they live in New Jersey.

This week French police arrested a man trying to sneak through custom with an endangered boa constrictor hidden in his underwear. Police said they would not have caught the man but they heard the snake laughing at his tiny penis.

In a brand-new interview, Julia Roberts said that if she had to pick one woman to have sex with, she would pick Hillary Clinton. In response, president Clinton said “Oh, great. She picks the one woman who won’t let me watch.”

In Israel yesterday, the Pope met with Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat. Apparently there was one awkward moment when the Pope told Yasir “You know, you don’t look Jewish.”

After scheduling a big concert in Las Vegas, Luciano Pavarotti had a press conference and he admitted to reporters that he is very bad at gambling. Pavarotti said that the last time he was in Las Vegas he lost 1000 dollars at roulette table and 100,000 at the buffet table.

According to a brand-new study, the contestants in the miss America pageant have been getting thinner and thinner and many of them are malnourished. For instance, last years’ winner has been wearing her crown as a belt.

In a New York department store yesterday, while Monica Lewinsky was making a personal appearance, she was heckled by a woman who had to be escorted away by security guards. Later the guards released the woman, and then she continued her campaign to be senator of New York.

Last night for the third time since the show began, someone won a million dollars on “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?” I think, tough, that the success was going to Regis’ head because he told the winner “You just won one thirty-fifth of my annual salary.”

All the newspaper articles are talking about what the actresses are going to be wearing to the Oscars. For instance, I read this today: Demy Moore is going to be wearing jewelry by Tiffany, a gown by Versace, and breasts by Dr. Rosenbrad.


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