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According to a new survey, 76% of men said that what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality. This was a survey published in Full of Crap magazine.

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton said that it was her idea to ban smoking in the White House. Hillary said, “Now people have to go outside if they want to smoke cigarettes or my husband.

Yesterday, Microsoft stock dropped so dramatically that Bill Gates was losing money at the rate of 4.7 million dollars per second. When reached for comment, Gates said, “You know, now I know what it’s like to produce a Kevin Costner movie.”

The other day, Leonard Decaprio interviewed president Clinton at the White House for an ABC Earth Day special. Leo, apparently, asked the president to support the environment and the president asked Leo if he could join his posse.

Yesterday, a woman filed a lawsuit against Catherine Zeta Jones, claiming that Jones injured her in a car accident. After hearing about his fiancée’s accident, Michael Douglas said, “You mean she is old enough to drive?”

While shooting her new video, Brittany Spears suffered a concussion when a camera fell off the ceiling and hit on her head. She got hurt, a mild concussion, when a camera hit on her head but apparently Brittany was really shaken up because when she came to she said, “Where these big breasts come from?”

The other day, a federal judge ruled that Microsoft violated antitrust laws, and as a result, stock has been plummeting all week for Microsoft. According to his wife, Bill Gates was so upset when he came home last night, he didn’t even watch Star Trek.

Reggae singer Ziggy Marley has become the official spokesman for a new energy bar made out of hemp. Apparently, it gives you just enough energy to get off the couch and grab your bong.

Brittany Spears is recovering from an accident during the shooting of one of her videos where she suffered a concussion. Doctors said that it could’ve been much worse but luckily Brittany fell forward.

Today, Elian Gonzalez's relatives in Miami failed to meet the 2-o'clock deadline to hand Elian over to authorities. The relatives are starting to run out of excuses because today they said that they missed the deadline because their dog ate Elian.

The other day while making a speech at a high school, an activist for abstinence actually told a group of teenagers that whenever they feel the urge to have sex, instead, they should try a Snickers bar. What she didn't say is where they should "put" the Snickers bar.

Next year, China is going to give the national zoo in Washington a pair of giant pandas who interestingly enough have thus far been unable to mate. Which means they will continue to be a couple in Washington with a sex-life as bad as the Clintons.

In a couple of days, Oprah Winfrey is gong to debut a new magazine called "O," and the publishers say that Oprah will appear on every cover for the foreseeable future. Although they promised they will get someone else for the swimsuit issue.

The other day, the city of Chicago turned down a proposal to name a street after Hugh Hefner. They turned the proposal down after they realized there's no such thing as a three-way street.

In Buffalo New York, authorities confiscated 2,500 pounds of fish that were trucked in illegally from Canada and after they confiscated the fish, they donated it to the local zoo's grizzly bear. Apparently, the bears were really happy but not nearly as happy as last year when police confiscated a truckload of marijuana.

The Japanese company that makes American theater seats has had to redesign the seats because of the American people's expanding backsides. But don't worry folks because American industry, not to be outdone, has already gotten into work on a fatter ass.

China says they may back out of an agreement to lend 2 giant pandas to the national zoo in Washington because they say the zoo's facilities are not up for Chinese pandas. A Chinese official said, "For example, the zoo has no army tanks to crush the pandas if they demonstrate."

According to new research, brand-new research that just came out on panda bears, a female panda can get pregnant after just 21-second of sex. Which means I’d make a great male panda.

A recent probe by law enforcement agencies has concluded that 90% of sports memorabilia is fake. People are apparently starting to get suspicious because a month ago some guy bought a copy of Ebony magazine signed by John Rocker.

Sunday afternoon, Al Gore spoke at a rally of janitors who were on strike, and Gore spoke alternately in English and Spanish. Which marks the first time Gore has been simultaneously ignored in two languages.

Politicians in California have started a new program to end the states’ water shortage by turning toilet water into drinking water. The politicians say they got the idea from their dogs.

The other day, an 8-year old child got to ask the First Lady a question. An 8-year old child asked Hillary Clinton if she is more famous than Leonard Decaprio, and she said “definitely not.” Hillary also admitted she is not as feminine as Decaprio.

Yesterday, Madonna released the statement saying, contrary to recent reports, she ahs not found out the sex of her baby. Madonna said she doesn’t care if the baby is boy or girl, as long as it has a fake British accent.

Last week, two of the most searched for topics on the Internet were Britteny Spears and the IRS. Another way to find the information on these two things is to run a search for the phrase “falsified assets.”

In a brand new book, a former girlfriend of Bill Gates says that she remembers him as having bad breath. After hearing this Gates said, “That’s interesting because I remember her as not having 100 billion dollars.”

Today is national "Take Your Daughter to Work Day". Or, as they call it in the White House "Back Off, Mr. President. She is Only 16!"

The other night, Al Gore and Hillary Clinton appeared at the same fundraiser, and their advisors had an argument over who should get to make the longer speech. In the end, they decided to give the honor to Hillary because they realized Gore's speech would seem longer anyway.

The other night in Washington, George W. Bush held a very successful huge fundraiser that featured a disco band and a laser light show. Apparently, the event was just like the 70's except that Bush remembers it.

According to a brand-new documentary on Siegfried & Roy, Siegfried was so addicted to valium that he actually started hallucinating. In fact, Siegfried said at one point that hallucinations got so bad he thought he saw Roy kissing a woman.

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" is apparently doing so well in the ratings that ABC is gonna add an episode that's gonna go head-to-head with "60 Minutes". To remain competitive, CBS said that they are gonna start focussing more on Mike Wallace, and call the show "Who Wants to Be a Million Years Old?"

Yesterday in Times Square, a waxed statue of New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani was unveiled. The statue is apparently so lifelike that the mayor's wife Donna Hanover won't go near it.

Today in the Supreme Court, the Boy Scouts of America defended their policy against homosexuality saying they only exclude scout masters who are openly gay. One justice in the Supreme Court pointed out that "openly gay" could be defined as any adult willing to be seen in that outfit.

Darva Conger, the bride from "Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire?" has now agreed to a 6-figure deal to pose for Playboy. Conger says that posing nude is all part of the process of figuring out what kind of whore I really am.


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