TUE
It is estimated that two million people are going to claim that they're sick and leave work early so they can go to
the opening of the new Star Wars movie. If you're planning on doing that, just a little tip; Don't show up for work
dressed as Ewoks.

A group of psychologists claimed that they have discovered 23 different body language indicators that show
whether or not a person is lying. If you'd like to see all 23 at the same time, they recommend taking a White
House tour.

Post office in in the news. They've come out with a new stamp that incorrectly labels the Grand Canyon as part
of Colorado. Apparently, the error got through because no one wanted to tell the post workers they had
mistake. "WHAT DID YOU SAY! I THINK THAT STAMP IS JUST FINE!"

Last night, president Clinton--he got the election news and he telephoned both the new elected prime minister
of Israel Ehud Barak, and he also telephoned the losing incumbent B.B. Netanyahu. Apparently, according to the
papers, Clinton told Barak "I look forward to working with you,"and he told Netanyahu "I'll miss your wife."

WED
Yesterday, true story, representatives of Slobodan Milosevic, his people, said that Yugoslavian leader is ready to strike a deal with NATO to stop the bombing. As I understand it, the deal is pretty simple; Milosevic said he would draw from Kosovo in an exchange for four Star Wars tickets.

Speaking of Star Wars, it opened last night at midnight, and they were interviewing people on the way out, and several hardcore Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie actually began they started crying. Mainly because they realized it's 22 years later and they still haven't lost their virginity.

In a speech today, Dan Quale angrily denounced lawyers that sue schools. Which is really surprising because if anyone sued a school it's Dan Quale: Because he's stupid.

In the last attempt to save their marriage, Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are now getting couple's counseling. Although they got off to a lucky start when Jagger impregnated the marriage counselor.

THU
New Star Wars movie opened yesterday, and apparently, it is getting panned by a lot of critics; they really don't like it. As a result, some hardcore Star Wars fans say that they are only going to see it 80 times.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura says that is Collin Pawel runs for president with Ventura as his running mate, they would be unbeatable. Actually, though, it might be tougher than he thinks because Al Gore says that his running mate is going to be that guy that teaches tie bow.

One of the actors on Ally Mcveal says that next year the show will feature more nudity. Not only that, whenever Calista Flockhart shows nude, an arrow will appear on screen to show where she is.

Nickelodeon executives--reportedly, they are furious at Britney Spears because she appeared on the Kids Choice Awards not
wearing a bra and showing a lot of cleavage. In a related story, while watching the Kids Choice Awards, a record 12 million
boys reached puberty.

FRI
Former president George Bush is in the news. George Bush said that for his 75th birthday he is going to jump out of a plane and land on the ground of his presidential library. After hearing about it, Dan Quale said "That's crazy! I'd never go near a library."

In a brand new interview, Steven Spielberg says that after a 15 year feud, he will finally patch things up with his father. Apparently, Spielberg realized that his father was not such a bad guy, and Spielberg's father realized that his son has several billion dollars.

This is in the paper; it says that there are only 1,199 days until the next Star Wars movie opens. The sad part is--I walked pass the theater this morning, there's already 200 geeks waiting in line.

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, this is the busiest time of the year for breast implant operations. Oddly enough, because of the increased competition, several plastic surgeons are offering a special of "Buy 2 Get 1 Free."