TUE
"NBA free agent Dennise Rodman announced yesterday that he is signing with the Los Angels Lakers. Rodman said he chose Los Angels because they let him play forward and they let him be one of the Laker girls."

"It was reported today that Vince and Rally, the two crash test dummies, will no longer appear in TV commercials.The two announced they were retiring to work on Dan Quyale's presidential campaign."

"A New York collectable store is selling exercise equipment that was formally owned and used by Madonna. The equipment includes a weight bench, a stair master, and the trainer who fathered her baby."

"'Party of five', that TV show is in the news. Apparently several up-coming episodes of Party of Five, Neive Campbell character is going to have a lesbian friend. That's right, which means during several up-coming episodes of Party of Five, I'll be having a Party of One."
 

WED
"60 Minutes is in the news. 60 Minutes made a big announcement today. In an effort to win back viewers who were angered by their controversial Doctor Kavokian segment, 60 Minutes apparently is gonna do a show about people who have continued to live despite incredible odds. that's right the whole program will focus on Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, and Andy Rooney."

"Last night Dennis Rodman signed a two year contract with the Los Angels Lakers. Although there may be problems because today Rodman asked to have the contract annulled. Apparently he was drank and contract had  large breasts..."

"In Wisconsin, police on local highways are gonna start dressing up like construction workers in an effort to catch more speeders.They say if this works they are gonna start dressing up like the other members of the Village People."

"According to a new survey, 31% of high school boys are now smoking cigars. Coincidentally it's the same 31% of high school boys who want to be president."
 

THU
Last night, Celine Dion won two Grammy awards for her song from the movie Titanic. Apparently one of the awards was Song That Refuses To Go Away. 

Yesterday, a judge ordered Woody Harrelson to pay a photographer eighty thousand dollards for taking the photpgraphers' camera away from him. Reportedly Harrelson did return the camera but not until he turned it into a bong.

Mattel toy company is in the news. Metal anoounced that they are coming out with a new Barbie doll that opens her eyes when Ken kisses her. Of course by open her eyes they mean she realizes he is gay.

This week Hirary Clinton held a meeting at the White House with 25 rabbies. At one point she said to them 'now I know you do circumcision but do any of you do castrations?