TUE
Keith Richards showed up unannounced  last night at a concert in Central Park. As a result, twelve thousand
people called the police and reported finding a body.

The police man who busted George Michael for lewd public conduct in that bathroom a while ago is now suing the
rock star, claiming he suffered "sever injury and shock to his nervous system." Not only that, he still feels kind
of sticky.

WED
Miss America pageant may be postponed due to Hurricane Floyd, and everyone connected to the pageant may
have to be evacuated. Amazingly, all 51 contestants have been offered shelter at the White House.

Before Floyd passes through New York, it is expected to drop as much as 10 inches of rain on the city.
Unfortunately, if we get too much rain, New York is in real danger of losing its distinct urinary smell.

FRI
In Louisiana, police are looking for an out-of-shape man who's been robbing local businesses while wearing a
cheerleader outfit and pigtails. The police said "Be on a look out for anyone who looks like Brittany Spears in 20
years."

Kevin Costner is reportedly very upset with some of the changes that the studio made to his new movie,
including--he's very upset about this--they edited out a scene where Costner shows his penis. He's particular
upset because the original title was "Hey, check out my Johnson!"