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The Third Week of May

TUE
 Kosovo refugees are staying in New Jersey until the things better in their country--which is very nice, don't
you think? Here's a really good part; I thought that this is inspirational. Apparently, one of the Kosovo refugees
had a baby shortly after arriving in the United States, and as a result the parents decided to name the baby
"America." They named it America because they hope the baby would grow up to watch TV all day, and have
poor math skills.

The other night, Denise Rodman refused to hang out at a night club in Miami because Carmen Electra was there.
He stayed away not because they split up but because Rodman was embarrassed that they were wearing the same
dress.

Virgin Airlines is redesigning the cabin of one of their airplanes with shag carpeting, loud colors, and lava lumps.
Apparently, the idea is to make the plane exact replica of Air Force One. Because the president has sex on the
plane...

WED
In a speech yesterday, Elizabeth Dole, who they say is gonna run for president, told supporters that she was
opposed to the use of the concealed weapons. In fact, she said that she had even gone so far as to hide her husband's Viagra. Which is very brave!

During a recent round of golf, president Clinton hit such a bad tee shot that he broke his driver in half. He split his driver. Witnesses said that ball was so far off course, they thought it was launched by NATO.

Earlier today, Starbucks announced that they are raising the price of their coffee by 10 cents a cup. Starbucks said they had to raise prices because they don't have all of our money yet.

Yesterday, the woman who ran a high priced brothel out of her home in New Jersey was finally sentenced to 250 hours of community service. In response, the woman said "Don't you think I've serviced the community enough?"
 
THU
Today, Denise Rodman cerebrated his 38th birthday. Isn't that nice? Apparently, it was just a typical
evening--Rodman blew out the candles on his cake, then asked a transvestite to drip the wax on his nipples.

City officials in St. Paul, Minnesota want to implement a training program to teach cab drivers to read a
road-map, be nice, and shower regularly. Those who do not pass will be asked to return to their old jobs in New
York City.

In Los Angels, an elementary school teacher was removed from the premises because he started taking off his
pants during math class. The teacher, in his defense, claims that he was just teaching them to count to 11 and he
had already used all his fingers.

FRI
For the first time since the accidental bombing of the Chinese embassy, the premier of China said that he would
accept one of president Clinton's phone calls. Isn't that a good news? Although the Chinese leader said he would
hang up if there was the first sign of heavy breathing.

The other day, Kathie Lee Gifford was the guest on The View and Kathie Lee shocked the audience by reaching
into her bra and pulling out a pair of  falsies. Even more surprising, co-host Meredith Vieira reached under her
skirt and pulled out Frank Gifford.

Last week, a 15 year-old boy got within 500 feet of becoming the youngest person ever to climb Mt. Everest.
When asked why he did it, the teenage boy said "I wanted to go some place where my mother wouldn't catch me
masturbating."



 
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