TUE
"I got some nice news. It was announced yesterday that president Clinton has been nominated for a Nobel peace prize. Apparently president Clinton was singled out for his efforts to end violence in the middle east, and his attempts to get Hirary to stop hitting him. "

"This is a quote from the president. President said 'the tide of spring has brought a new season for friendship.' In other words it's getting warmer out and he is horny again."

"This morning in the financial district, super model Rebecca Romijn-Stamos helped promote the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue by ringing the opening bell on Wall Street. Immediately afterwards, the stock market rose about six inches."

WED
"You know the way it used to be, a lot of kids when asked what do you wanna be when you are grownup they would say I wanna be president. According to a new poll by ABC news, only 17% of kids say that they like to be the president of the United of States when they grow up. Only 17%. The most kids today say that they would rather sleep with the president and sign a huge book deal."

"Yesterday, speaking of the president, president Clinton told reporters that his mother in law has moved into the White house. The president said he allowed her to move in because she is all alone, and she doesn't have a bad body."

"It was reported today that Air force one recently started serving a beer made from hemp. True story! Yeah, when asked about it president Clinton said 'Hey, it's the only way to make Al Gore seem interesting.'"

"It was reported in a magazine that when Demi Moore is filming a movie she will only wash her hair with Ebian water. Not only that she will only wash her breasts with cleansers that don't harm plastics."