"Reporters say that Hirary was giving Clinton the cold shoulder during their entire trip to middle east. You could tell that things were bad because today Arafat and Netanyahu came up and said 'Come on! Can't you two just get along?' "

"The other day Don King dressed up as a Santa Claus for a group of kids at a local holiday party. I tell you Don King's Santa is just a little bit different, he keeps half of everything he gives the kids. "

"Over the weekend, Oprah, Donald Trump, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra all attended a huge giant celebrity party in Bahamas. Apparently it was very wild, because today Dennis Rodman filed for an annulment from Donald Trump. "

"Some democrats are now proposing that along with a censure president Clinton be fined two million dollars. After hearing this, president Clinton said 'wait a minute, I never pay for sex!'"

"According to a new survey of two thousands women, 41% said that they would leave president Clinton once his term is up. And 28% said they were considering breaking up with him right now."

"Yesterday anthropologists announced that they discovered clay tablets that display the oldest writing by human kind. That's right, they found Mike Wallace's diary."

"The other night rocker Tommy Lee passed out in a Miami bar and had to be carried away by bouncers. Apparently it took four bouncers to remove Tommy Lee and seven to remove his penis."

"Last night the United States launched a missile attack against Iraq in what's being called, they have a new name for it, they are calling it 'Operation Desert Fox.' Reportedly today president Clinton was overheard asking 'now when do I get to meet this desert fox?'"

"According to the New York Daily News, Monica Lewinsky is now dating a 35 year old lawyer. Monica said 'I make sure all my boyfriends are at least 35 so they are old enough to be president.'"

"The artist formally known as Prince said he doesn't believe in social contracts so he is going to have his marriage annuled to show his wife how much he loves her. After hearing this Frank Gifford said 'why didn't I think of that?'"

"Last night at a big White House function, Hirary Clinton introduced Bill Clinton as my husband, my partner, and our president, yeah, which I thought was really odd because in another month none of those titles will be true."

"With impeachment vote looming, the White House is apparently not preparing for the senate trial. Reportedly president Clinton's lawyers have a new strategy. They want the president to be tried as juvenile."

"U.S. surveillance experts , they are really good, have been tracking Saddam Hussein and listening all his phone conversations. Surprisingly most of Saddam's phone calls have been to local radio stations giving away Metalica's tickets."

"Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione decided not to give any of his employees their annual Christmas bonus this year. But Penthouse employees aren't too upset because last year's Christmas bonus was a nasty rush."