TUE
A man in Washington state has invented a new brief case that turns into a portable toilet. Which means, folks,
that from now on the guy next to you on the train using his cell phone won't seem so bad.

Disney announced that they are canceling plans to make a new sequel to the movie Peter Pan. They are not
going to do it mainly because Peter is close to 50 now and it's too creepy that he keeps showing up in kids'
bedrooms.

The other day, on an Air New Zealand flight, a passenger felt something crawling up her leg and when she lifted
her blanket she discovered that it was a rat. Apparently, whenever this happens on Air Force One, people hope
it's a rat.

WED
Sisters: Venus and Serena Williams have advanced to the semi-final and they could face each other in the final.
After hearing about it, president Clinton said "Believe me, there's nothing more exciting than watching two
sisters go at it."

A couple from Arizona who adopted 10 children is receiving all kinds of corporate gifts including a pizza party
every week from Little Caesars. After hearing about it, Marlon Brand adopted 20 kids.

In a new interview, Ben Affleck says that there is absolutely no truth to the rumors in the tabloids that he and
Matt Damon are gay. Apparently, people are little confused because there is a gay porn movie called Goodwill
Humping.

THU
Last night in New York, Madonna became the first person in history to win 18 MTV video awards. Even more
impressive, Madonna became the first person in history to nail all five Back Street Boys.

The other day in New Jersey, an armed bank robber was caught as he tried to escape on his bicycle. The man
said he neared the money to pay for his get-away car.

In an up-coming issue of TV Guide, it's going to feature president Clinton's list of the top ten American athletes
of the 20th century. Apparently, his top choices were Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, and extremely limber
woman in Tiffany.

During a recent interview, Brad Pitt complained to a reporter there is too much focus in America on wealth and
external beauty. Yeah, then Pitt jumped in his Porsche and sped home to have sex with Jennifer Aneston.