The Second Week of November

TUE
Very cool to be here and a lot of people have been asking me why are you guys in Los Angels. Folks, the reason that we're taping in L.A. this week, to be perfectly honest, is because it's November sweeps and NBC wanted us to do something that would get higher ratings. So basically it comes down to this: it was either doing this or Andy and I had to exchange a lesbian kiss

Very expensive moving our show to Los Angeles; you know this week it is costing NBC 250,000 dollars. Of course, 200,000 of that is just for my sunbrock.

I guess a lot of people here are from Los Angeles seeing this show; no one would fly into this thing. You did? Oh, how sad. No, that's nice of you. Thank you, mom. I heard about this: a few years ago, correct me if I'm wrong, Los Angeles started building a subway system and apparently it's catching on a little slowly. They are trying anything to increase ridership, in fact their new slogan is "Now with New York Urine."

WED
(wild cheer) You should know, folks, the reason they are so excited is just before the show Andy and I went around and gave each person in the
audience a free lapdance. (wild cheer) I know how to quiet you down: I'm gonna tell some monologue jokes. That'll get things little quiet. During
an  Internet chat the other night, president Clinton said that in the future world leaders will have to deal with "miniature weapons of mass
distraction." After hearing this, Hirary said "He already has a miniature weapon!"

This week 9 California condors raised in captivity were released into their new home, the Grand Canyon. If you try to spot the birds the California
condors are the ones with breast implants.
 

THU
At a benefit the other night, Kathie Lee Gifford said that in her next life she wants to come back as Rosie O'Donnell. Meanwhile a spokesperson
for the rest of the country said if Katie Lee gets another life, they don't want to come back.

Al Gore is coming under heavy criticism because his advisor Naomi Wolf is in favor of teaching masturbation and promoting oral sex. As a result,
president Clinton said he was drawing his support for Al Gore and will now campaign for Naomi Wolf.