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The Second Week of June

TUE
The temperature was almost a hundred degrees today and apparently, the heat wave has caused a lot of problems all over the east coast. In fact today, they had to shut down Washington D.C. because Janet Reno put on a tube top.

In a new interview, Will Smith said that if he wanted to, he could be elected president of the United States. In a related story, Al Gore said that if he wanted to, he could get jiggy with it.

Jerry Springer said that his show will stand by its vow to be violence-free but that their change will be a gradual process. For example, this week they are gonna do away with the bitch, slut and the nipple twister.
 

WED
The female wrestler Sable is suing the World Wrestling Federation because she says the sport has become obscene, titillating, and vulgar. Later she apologized and said that she got wrestling confused with the Clinton administration.

Next week, a pair of silver vinyl pants worn by Latin superstar Ricky Martin will be sold at an auction. Martin said he decided to auction them off because one day he looked in a mirror and realized he was wearing silver vinyl pants.

Little local news about New York: Yesterday, plans were announced to elect a statue of Frank Sinatra in Times Square and this statue will sing a song when you push the button. Not only that, there's another button you can press if you need to have somebody whacked.

I can't end the monologue these days without mentioning Britney Spears. In a recent interview, teen-sensation Britney Spears said that she does not have breast implants. However, Britney did admit she left a dollar under her pillow for the boob-fairy.

THU
Washington is getting involved with our movie viewing. At President Clinton's insistence, movie theaters across the country are going to begin demanding a picture ID from teenagers who are trying to get into R-rated movies. Reportedly, the president  told them "Asking for an ID has kept me out of a lot of troubles."

There's a rumor going around that  "The Phantom Menace" character  Jar Jar Binks is gay. If the rumor is true, that makes him the most annoying gay alien since Richard Simmons.

The mother of O.J. Simpsons' current girlfriend is now claiming that O.J. is a cocaine addict. Which is a real shame because other than that he'd be the perfect son in law.

Tonight, HBO is airing a feminist version of Rip Van Winkle starring Calista Flockhart. In this version, Flockhart lies down under a tree and doesn't eat for 20 years.

FRI
This morning, on the Today show thousands of people showed up to hear Ricky Martin sing living la vida loca.
The worst thing is several older Today Show's fans thought he was singing about living with Al Roker.

Yesterday, archaeologists announced that they have discovered human prints that are 27,000 years old.
Apparently, the footprints lead Strom Thurmond's bed to the bathroom.



 
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