TUE
"Yesterday in Minnesota, a former professional wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura was sworn in as the states' new governor. Then in a surprise move he announced he is quitting politics because it's too fake."

"According to a new poll Mark Mcgwire has a higher favorability rating than the Pope. Apparently the Pope took the news pretty hard because he immediately started taking steroids."

"In the recent interviews Cher denies the popular rumor that she had her liver removed to make her waist smaller. She said she had liver removed so scientist could make Calista Flockhart."

"As a part of the settlement of the recent tobacco lawsuit, all cigarette ads have to be removed from Times Square. But don't worry folks it's still ok to smoke crack there."
 
WED
"Earlier today, the NBA and the players' union decided to play a shortened season, it's going to last about three months. Or, in other words about five times as long as a Dennis Rodman's marriage."

"According to the city hall, mayor Giuliani has performed over one hundred and twenty weddings since he became mayor. Not only that he attended the bachelor parties and arrested over hundred twenty strippers."

"In a recent interview Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hirary she would leave Clinton. In the response the president said 'if Pamela Anderson were Hirary none of this would have happened!'"

THU
"At the opening of the impeachment trial, all one hundred senators swore under oath that they would be impartial. And immediately after taking the oath, republican leader Trent Lott said 'now let's get back to throwing baba out on his ass. "

"Only fifty of the seven hundreds seats in the senate gallery were made available to the American public. The other six hundred and fifty seats are taking up by the women who maybe called to testify. "

"Burt Reynolds recently filmed a commercial for an eyeglass store in London and in this commercial he didn't wear his toupee. Mainly because when Reynolds arrived in London customs officials demanded toupee to be quarantined. "

"According to a new poll in Detailed magazine, Pamela Anderson is the celebrity that people think has the most sex. I was in the article too. I was chosen as the celebrity who spends the most time 'thinking' about Pamela Anderson having sex."

FRI
"According to the White House press secretary, president Clinton didn't watch any of the impeachment proceeding yesterday. Today in an effort to get him to watch, a lot of senators wore halter tops."

"Instead of watching the impeachment trial yesterday, president Clinton spent the afternoon having lunch with Al Gore. And after lunch with Gore, president Clinton said 'you know, it turns out there IS something more boring than the impeachment trial."

"Dennis Rodman announced this morning that he is going to sit out the NBA season. Apparently now that Rodman is married he wants to take some time off and try to get himself pregnant."

"Yesterday in Los Angels, a woman was arrested for breaking into Brad Pitt's house. Reportedly police were notified by several women who were also trying to break into Brad Pitt's house."