TUE
President Clinton told reporters that after he leaves office he'd like to do humanitarian work similar to the work that Jimmy Carter does. And the
president went on to say that he hopes to start building low income hooters.

During the Republican presidential debate last night, the candidates were asked what philosopher most influenced them. George W. Bush said
Jesus, and John MacKay said Theodore Roosevelt. Meanwhile, Steve Forbes said that little guy in the Monopoly money.

According to a new study, Philadelphia is now the fattest city in the nation. The problem, apparently,  is so bad that Philie is going to change its
nickname to the City of Brotherly Load Asses.
 
 
WED
In a recent interview president Clinton was asked about Pete Rose. President Clinton said that Pete Rose deserves to be in the Baseball Hall of
Fame. The president explained "Not only did Pete Rose get over 4000 hits, but thinking about him has helped me delay 4000 orgasms."

Julie Andrews is suing Mount Sinai hospital. She is claiming a bust operation robbed her of her singing voice. In a related story an angry mob has
rushed Michael Bolton to Mount Sinai hospital.

In a recent interview, Sarah-Michelle Gellar said that the reason that she and Calista Flockheart is so thin is because they can afford trainers.
When asked comment Flockheart said "That's crazy. There is no way I'm as fat as that "PIG" Sarah-Michelle Gellar!"

Officials at Princeton University have canceled the traditional nude Olympics held every year on campus. Apparently, they did that because one
contestant was injured last year when a runner in a relay race took off what he thought was a baton.
 

THU
Right now, Monica Lewinsky is testifying in the Linda Tripp's wiretapping trial. Actually, Monica testifies in a unique way: she whispers to Linda Tripp
who then tells everybody what Monica said.

Yesterday, president Clinton and Hillary got approval to build an eight-foot protective wall at their brandnew New York home. Apparently, the wall
will go right across the middle of their bedroom.

Donald Trump said if he is going to be elected president he will stop America from being ripped off by the countries that we do business with.
Instead, America will be ripped off by president Donald Trump.

It is rumored that Luchiano Pavarotti's wife may ask for a 100 million dollar settlement in their divorce case. When asked about it Pavarotti said
that's fine with him as long as he get custody of all the cookie dough.

Country star Garth Brooks announced that he plans to retire at the end of next year. Unfortunately still no word from Kenny G.
 

FRI
Yesterday in a court house, Monica Lewinsky testified against Linda Tripp and the thing everyone was talking about-- the interesting part-- is that
at one point Monica asked for a ten-minute recess. Afterwards the judge came back to the court room much happier. The exact quote was "I love
the law!"

The other day, the Air Force accidentally dropped a bomb on the fairway of an Arizona golf course. Golfers said that they hadn't been that
frightened since O.J. played there.