THU
John Wayne Bobbitt is back in the news. John Wayne Bobbitt announced that he is starting a new career as a stand-up comedian. Apparently, he does a great impression of Jack Nicolson with half a penis.

This week Nevada's famous brothel is closing its stores for good. In fact, all last week they had a sign up wihch says "Going out of business. Everyone must ho."

WED
This morning Luchiano Pavarotti was in Rumania to watch the solar eclipse. Afterwards Pavarotti said "I can do
that."

Martha Stewart has announced that her company is going to go public and start selling stock. Reportedly each
share is handmade and to be easily turned into a doily.

THU
Apparently, Kathie Lee Gifford has been spotted being extremely rude to flight attendants and people are
speculating it's because her husband had an affair with one. Yeah, which explains why Hirary Clinton is rude to
every woman on the planet.

This week, president Clinton presented former president Ford and Carter with the presidential medal of
freedom--I didn't know this but that's the highest honor for an American citizen. And sadly the second highest
honor for an American citizen is appearing on Wheel of Fortune.

In Illinois, a nun has been arrested for spray-painting violent graffiti. When asked why, she said she feels that
nuns have been  losing their tough-guy image.

FRI
Hirary Clinton is considering buying a 7-bedroom home in suburban New York. Reportedly, Hirary will use one
bedroom and her husband will use other six.

Dalai Lama has a new book out that gives advice on how to spend the millennium. The odd part of the Dalai
Lama's advice is to get a bunch of hookers and fly to Vegas.

Movie theaters across the country are reporting that a lot of people are throwing up during the movie The Blair
Witch Project because of the shaky hand-held camera. But what no one has explained is why a lot of people are
throwing up during Runaway Bride.

According to an article in The New York Post, it's often faster to walk in New York City than it is to take a city
bus. A spokesman for the transit authority said "You know, New Yorkers don't take the bus for the speed, they
take the bus to get felt up.