TUE
Yesterday, at a Utah book store, president Clinton tried to use his American Express card but the card was denied. Luckily though, on the bright side, the book store did accept his hooter's gold card.

The latest rumor in Washington is that Tipper Gore has prepared herself for the year 2000 campaign by having a face lift. Not only that, the word has it, that Al Gore has prepared himself for the year 2000 campaign by having himself repaneled.

A female bartender who lives in London said that she recently spent a night with Reonald Decaprio and he was horrible in bed. She also said he is overweight, bald, and in his late fifties.

Victoria Adams, otherwise known as post Spice, is in the news. Post Spice announced that she plans on naming her child Brooklyn because that is where the baby was conceived. Yeah, which is the same reason Madonna originally named her child "airplane bathroom."

WED
Earlier tonight ABC aired the famous Barbara Walter's interview with Monica Lewinsky. This is an amazing interview. In case you didn't see it, it was very exciting because at the end of the interview president Clinton showed up and they had a three some.

This is an amazing revelation. During tonight's Barbara Walter's interview, Monica Lewinsky confessed that while she was seeing president Clinton she was also dating a top pentagon official at the same time. Not only that but Monica also admitted to a steamy three month affair with Washington Monument.

THU
The interview was watched by 70 million people, it just be our show last night. Apparently after their interview was over, true story, Monica Lewinsky gave Barbara Walters a scarf that she admitted. Isn't that odd? Yeah, reportedly Barbara said "This is beautiful, but what's this stain?"

President Clinton said that he did not watch the Monica Lewinsky interview last night. When asked about it president said "I couldn't it was opposite Baffy the Vampire Slayer. No way! She is hot baby."

The Artist Formally Known As Prince is suing nine web sites for using his symbol without permission. The artist was quoted as saying "Hey let them come up with their own weird career ruining symbols."

A teacher at the University of Ohio is in the newspaper. He says that the school is violating his institutional rights because they won't let him wear a thong at the campus swimming pool. Apparently he is talking about Article two which guarantees  American the right to bare ass.