TUE
"Monica Lewinsky testified in the impeachment trial yesterday. Reportedly when Lewinsky was asked if there was any obstruction she said 'well, the dress did kind of get in the way.'"

"Several senators have said that they want the final vote for the impeachment trial to be held on Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Afterwards very confused Strom Thurmond said he won't be able to attend because he is going to Lincoln's birthday party."

"People who watched the Super Ball with president Clinton, he had a couple of friends over and they watched the Super ball together. And all this friends said that they were very impressed with all of these sports trivia about football that the president Clinton knows. For example, the president said that Denver is the team with the most cheerleader's name Tiffany."

"In a new interview, Kate Winslet says that whenever she gets depressed she thinks of her love scene in Titanic with Leonard Decaprio. Meanwhile Leonard Decaprio says that whenever he gets depressed he just has sex with the supermodel."

WED
"According to a new poll that came out today after watching the impeachment trial, two thirds of Americans don't think live witnesses are necessary, and meanwhile the other one thirds after watching the impeachment trial they don't think the senate is necessary. "

"President Clinton and Hirary were in town last night for the fundraiser where they charged ten thousand dollars a head. You wanna say this punch line with me? That's right in the latest story Monica Lewinsky was in town to raise fund, she charged ten thousand dollars a head."

"The other day police in London arrested actor Johnny Depp because he was swinging a thin wooden plank at a group of photographers. Later Depp was let go because they realized that the thin wooden plank was Kate Moss."

"According to a new book, true story, you can tell the size of a men's penis by the size of his thumbnail. In my case the ratio is one to one. "

THU
"People magazine is in hot water, true story, Hirary Clinton is very upset because her daughter Chelsea is featured on the cover of the next issue of People. Hirary is also upset because her husband Bill is on the cover of the next issue of  Big Booby."

"Yesterday Al Gore was giving a speech, and given the speech Al Gore said that it's time that the senate stops trying to impeach the president. But Gore went on to say 'but folks I DO appreciate the effort.'"

"Earier today in California, Tigar Woods and Kevin Costner teamed up for a charity golf tournament. Apparently everything was going fine until Kevin Costner got stuck on a water hazard and spend two hunded million dollars."

"Last night, thousands of Internet users were very disappointed because they were unable to logon to Victoria's Secret web site and watch the live fashion show. Afterwards several computer users said they have had it with the Internet and they are going back to being rejected by women in person."

FRI
"Finally something interesting happened at the impeachment trial yesterday. Yesterday at the impeachment trial a heckler in the Senate gallery was arrested after standing up and yelling 'take a vote and let's get it over with!'
True story. yeah the weird thing is, it was president Clinton."

"They are finally voting on stuff, thanks to an overwhelming vote at the impeachment trial, Monica Lewinsky will not be appearing on the floor of the Senate.  After hearing this president Clinton said 'what about the floor of Oval Office?'"

"There's a new book out. I think women will appreciate. A new book came out this week called 'A Complete Guide to Everything Men Need to Know About Sex' and this book tells men all the ways to make sex more satisfying for women. There is also an edition written telling women what men like but all it says is 'say yes.'"