Louie C.K. on "Late Night with Conan O'brien"
Aired on May 4, 1999
Transcribed by Kenji Arai

CONAN O'BRIEN, HOST: Louie. So glad you could be here tonight. Nice to have you.

LOUIE C.K.: Nice to be here as well.

O'BRIEN: Oh, well done. He took my "Nice to have you" into "Nice to be here."

C.K.: That's right, it was good rejoinder, wasn't it?

O'BRIEN: Yeah, it was good. We had some trouble getting hold of you.

C.K.:Somebody from your office called me and then I called back--  I dialed wrong. Have you gotten a wrong number and the person you get can't believe that someone could get a wrong number. Like they're just blown away. I got some old lady--I called "Hi, is Mike there?" and she's like (shrieking)"WHAT! WHO IS THIS! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!" Her phone rings every 40 years and it just made the time. So I kept redialed all day and go "Put Mike on or I'll kill you! I'm gonna come down you! Me and Mike are gonna murder you!"

I used to always like when the phone rings but now it rings like 20 times a day--solicitors and stuff. I got that call today where call holds you. Have you ever gotten a call "Hello! This is an important call. Please hold on!" I'm in my house and I'm on hold; I didn't call anybody. Anyway, it was my mother 'cause she works for MCI. She was trying to get me switch.

You know who calls me everyday; AT&T calls me everyday. "Hi, this is AT&T. Would you like to have AT&T?" I'm like "That's what I have! That's what we're talking on right now!" "Do you want some more?" They never give up too 'cause I tell them everytime that I have "No, but it's good though. You should--" "I know! I have it and I'm happy with it.""But, couldn't you still have--get it?" It's like call me and go"Hi, would you like to be a guy on the phone?" "I am a guy on the phone!"

O'BRIEN:I don't know if you are--but are you worried about Y2K thing? Are you worried about Year 2000--

C.K.:Not really. I heard a new anger on it. Some people are like "I'm not gonna have to pay my bills. Woo! Y2K gonna clean it up! I ain't pay nothing! Woo! They gonna forget where I am!" I don't but that because I think there'll be a new rule "Ok. We all know that you all owe people money, so just"--all poor people just have to give rich people money. Like 100 bucks a week.

O'BRIEN:That's the system they're gonna come up with? This is very cynical almost political view from you. Are you leaning that way? Are you becoming one of those political comedians?

C.K.:Not really. I don't really care about anything.


C.K.:I think people are too quick to--people love to tear stuff down 'cause it's fun to get angry. You hear people like agreeing on the most insane--people are like "Doctors suck, man" and everybody around goes "Yeah. Doctors kiss my ass!" What are you talking about? "Post office. Post office, man" and people are like "Yeah. Post office sucks!" It's like--you know that old 60's song? "Sign, sign, everywhere" Remember that song? A guy is really mad at signs?


C.K.:The whole song is like "Breaking up the scenery, breaking my mind!" No more signs then. Stop signs! Take them down.Who needs those?

O'BRIEN:They're breaking my mind.

C.K.:"They're messing me up!"Who needs those stop signs? And at the end of the song he is like "So I made my own little sign and I'm doing fine." You see, he's a hypocrite. I hate that guy.

O'BRIEN:That guy is a bad guy.

C.K.:He's awful. I hate go on about a 30 year old song for 10 minutes. Then there's a part in the middle where goes "I saw a sign. Long hair freaky people need not apply." First of all--no, you didn't, you didn't see the sign.He's trying to get people mad about something that he made up.

O'BRIEN:But in your theory, that's right that people heard that song and get into it.

C.K.:People just like to agree, you know. It's like when people use old sayings that we've all decided true, and you don't even know how they connect to what you're talking about. You just do half of them now. "Yeah, when in Rome..." "Yeah, a bird in the hand...." "Yeah, a bird in the hand and ...." Nobody knows the second half and people agree. "Yeah, a bird in the hand and the it's like a man in the sand""Yeah, that's good. I'm not gonna go back there."--"Yeah, when in Rome, you got to grab the hand of the badger's dad."

O'BRIEN:Stop breaking my mind.

C.K.:Breaking my mind!

O'BRIEN:We got to run, unfortunately. Hilarious stuff always--Louie C.K.. Thanks so much for coming.

Back to the list  Back to the top page