President George W. Bush has announced yesterday that he wants to construct a 200-billion dollar outer-space missile defense shield. Apparently, George W. said that he is certain that the missile shield will work because he saw one just like it in Spy Kids.

A library in Ireland announced that it wants a book returned that was taken out 130 years ago. After hearing this, Strom Thurmond said, "But I am not finished with it yet!"

Scientists have developed a new vacuum-powered bra that will make women's breast larger if they wear it 10 hours a day 10 weeks. And the scientists said as far as men are concerned, Hoover's hose attachment still works just fine.

Dennis Tito, who spent 20 million dollars to become an astronaut, is now giving interviews and he said that the most poignant moment of his trip was the radio linkup with his family back on earth. Apparently, Tito said that his children started crying when they realized he'd wasted 20 million dollars of their inheritance.

On Saturday, Cliff Hillegass, the creator of CliffsNotes, passed away at the age 83. After hearing this, President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, "That's too bad; he was my favorite author".

In Kansa, a clown is in trouble for exposing his penis at a party. Reportedly, it's the first time anyone ever laughed at a clown.

A small town in Netherlands is planning to open several drive-through restaurants that will sell marijuana. Here's how it works: at the first window you order the pot; at the second window you smoke the pot; and at the third window you order 57 cheeseburgers.

It was reported today that in the past year the number of cases of syphilis in New York has risen sharply. After hearing this, President Clinton said, "Have I been here for a year already?"

Actor Woody Harrelson, at this very moment, is touring through San Francisco in a bas that runs on hemp. Apparently, the tour is going fine except that Harrelson keeps stopping the bas to suck on the tail pipe.

According to a new study, gay people can become straight depending on their motivation. Not only that, straight people can become gay depending on their cellmate.

Massachusetts governor Jane Swift became the first US governor ever to give birth to twins while in office. Coincidentally, 15 years ago in Arkansas Bill Clinton became the first governor to sleep with twins.

According to new Government data, one out of every 5 adults in the United States needs cholesterol-lowering drugs. The critics say Americans don't really need the cholesterol drugs - they're just trying to look vice presidential.

It was reported today that Brad Pitt is coming out with his own line of clothing. Actually, it's not a line of clothing: it's just a bunch T-shirts that say, "I'm banging Jennifer Aniston!"

The deadline for the writers' strike is tonight at midnight and if an agreement is not reached, most American's favorite shows will be forced to air repeats. Not only favorite shows, this show as well.

President Bush has nominated one of his college fraternity brothers to be a new ambassador to China. Apparently, his mission will be to introduce Chinese democracy, free trade, and the beer bong.

Yesterday, President Bush was the commencement speaker at Yale University and 170 professors signed a letter of protest. When asked about it the President said, "That's nothing: when I graduated 300 professors signed a letter of protest".

A scientist in Australia has developed biodegradable car parts that are made out of hemp. The only problem is that the car keeps pulling over because it thinks it sees the cops.

It was reported today that Janet Reno is considering running for governor of Florida. Reno will not reveal if she's gonna run as a Democrat, independent, man or woman.

Apparently, the White House says they've given up hopes of flying our damaged plane home from China and instead they'll have to pack the plane into crates and ship it home. On the bright side, each crate sent from China will contain extra duck source and a fortune cookie.

Republican Senator Jim Jeffords said yesterday that he is thinking about switching to a different political party. Reportedly, Democrats have offered him a 50-dollar rebate and 100 minutes of free long-distance calls.

The boy band N'Sync said they recently recorded a safe-sex ad in order to set a good example for their audience. During the ad, N'Sync claims they always use condoms when having sex with Backstreet Boys.