In a new poll, 47% of New Yorkers said that they would like former President Clinton to run for mayor of New York. Apparently, it's the same 47% of New Yorkers who were recently pardoned by President Clinton.

It was reported yesterday that Jennifer Lopez will not testify in the Sean "Puffy" Combs trial. As a result, Puffy said he'll sample testimony from other artists.

There was a shooting in New York the other night, involving the posse of rapper Lil' Kim. Apparently, everyone involved might end up doing a "lil' time".

There was a big earthquake in Seattle, registering 6.8 on the Richter scale. No one was seriously hurt but a lot of buildings collapsed. Apparently, on one block alone more than 400 Starbucks were destroyed.

According to an investigation led by Florida's 2 newspapers, if a hand-recount in Florida had been completed, Al Gore still would have lost the election. After hearing this, Gore said, "You know, I feel much better now, knowing that I'm a legitimate loser".

The other day on Capitol Hill, Republicans announced plans for a national museum honoring African Americans. The Republicans say the only things holding the project up is finding the location that's not in their neighborhood.

A New York doctor - he's in a lot of troubles for allegedly operating on the wrong side of his patient's brain. In his defense, the doctor said, "Hey, it's not my fault. Someone once operated on the wrong side of my brain".

Chelsea Clinton turned 21 yesterday and she celebrated it by having a birthday party with all her friends. When asked about it, President Clinton said, "You know, I'm really happy Chelsea turned 21 but that was even happier when her friends turned 21".

The other night at a New York restaurant, Whoopi Goldberg sent a 1,200-dollar bottle of wine over the President Clinton's table. Immediately after receiving the expensive gift, President Clinton pardoned Whoopi for Hollywood Squares.

Because of the big blizzard that didn't happen last week, the mayor of a New Jersey town says that from now on meteorologists should be held accountable for inaccurate predictions. Forecasters say that the mayor has a 35% chance of succeeding.

Because of the foot-and-mouth disease, the United States is cracking down on tainted beef from Europe. And as a result, the U.S. is deporting Fabio.

A passenger aboard Olympic Airlines was arrested after he stripped naked aboard the airplane. The passenger claims he misunderstood the stewardess when she asked if he wanted salted nuts.

It was reported today that a publishing company has bought the rights to a novel written by Britney Spears. Apparently, the novel is entitled "How Steroid Got Her Boobs Back".

Yesterday, Senator Hillary Clinton rushed out angrily at President Bush for breaking a campaign promise regarding carbon dioxide emissions. Hillary was quoted as saying, "You know, this president has about as much credibility as that last guy".

The Army has announced that it's gonna postpone the decision on a proposal to have all its troops wear black berets. Apparently, many soldiers were angry about wearing the black beret and they said, "Hey, if we want to look gay we would join the Navy".

In Wisconsin, a teacher tried to show her 3rd grade class a video about dinosaurs, but the 3rd graders ended up seeing a porno tape left in the VCR by a janitor. And now the 3rd graders believe that dinosaurs went extinct because they got it on with a pizza man.

According to a New York Times' poll, President George W. Bush has a job-approval rating of 60%. Bush is hoping the number will go even higher 'cause if it reaches 70% Dick Chaney promised to take him to a circus.

Yesterday, basketball legend Michael Jordan denied reports that he was making a comeback. The good news is that Jordan's cologne also won't be making a comeback.

Producers of the Academy Award said yesterday that they are taking steps to keep this year show from running too low. As a result, today the Academy Award took a restraining order against Elizabeth Taylor.

In a recent interview, Jennifer Ropez said that she is very romantic that she is "looking for a knight in shining armor". In other words, she wants another guy who can't go through a metal detector.

Yesterday at the White House, the Prime Minister of Ireland presented George W. Bush with a ball of shamrocks. There was a very awkward moment when the president said, "Man, I haven't smoke this stuff in years".

Today in Vermont, a several thousands sheep were seized because of concerns about foot-and-mouth disease. Which is odd because usually sheep are only seized in Vermont when the people there are lonely.

The other day in Pennsylvania, a woman was arrested for using phony prescriptions and when police searched her they found over 2,000 dollars hidden in her vagina. The woman explained the situation by saying that she has a part-time job as an ATM.

Finally the real President Bush is starting to emerge: During a speech the other day, President Bush made up a brand-new word "Hispanically". When asked what "Hispanically" mean, the president said, "You know, not 'Caucasable'".

This week a 71-year-old New York man was arrested for drug smuggling after police found over 60,000 Ecstasy tablets in his suitcase. The officials became suspicious when he had a bumper sticker that said "Ask me about my grand-children and my suitcase full of drugs".

A post office in Siberia announced that Catherine Zeta Jones will soon be featured on a brand-new stamp. Reportedly, Catherine Zeta Jones approved the stamp but she insisted that it only be licked by rich old men.

The space shuttle Discovery returned to earth this week carrying a crew that had been on board an international space station for more than 4 months. Apparently, the crew is really angry because they were promised they could stay in space until the XFL is cancelled.

Yesterday, paleontologists announced that they have discovered a scull that is 3.5 million years old. Not surprisingly, it was on Anna Nicole Smith's pillow.

Bob Dole is gonna appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Apparently, Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.

Puff Daddy is being sued for 2 million dollars in a paternity suit. Apparently, Puffy's denied paternity by saying he may have been in the room when it happened but he never fired his weapon.

The other day, voters in Paris elected their first openly gay mayor. The new mayor says his first priority is to change the reputation of Parisians from 'rude' to 'bitchy'.

According to a new survey, an Arby's roast beef restaurant in Syracuse New York has the fastest drive-through in the country. Not only that, it turns out a Taco Bell in Tucson has the fastest line for the bathroom.

In Norway, a moose mistook a car for female moose and tried to have sex with it. Apparently, the moose was successful because afterwards the car's engine started smoking.

Ricky Martin's new girlfriend says that on a scale of 1 to 10, she rates Ricky's performance in bed as a 20. Apparently, Ricky rates 20 because the guy he brings bed with him is also a 10.