Bill Gates is being sued by seven Microsoft employees who claim that the company discriminates against minorities. Apparently, at Microsoft, a minority is any employee who has a girlfriend.

It's been reported that Kevin Costner might be getting married to his long-time girlfriend. If they do get married, Costner says he wants to "plan" the wedding which means it will last 3 hours and lose 200 million dollars.

In downtown Hartford, someone built a 6-foot high ice sculpture of a penis. In a related story, Richard Simmons has just declared Hartford "A Winter Wonderland".

Yesterday, Yasir Arafat called President Clinton to set up an argent meeting. The president was overheard telling Arafat, "Argent! Oh my god, don't tell me you're pregnant".

According to a new study in the Medical Journal, cocaine use is linked to heart attacks. After hearing this, George W. Bush said, "So, Chaney has been dipping into my stash".

Yesterday at Coney Island, a hundred members of the Polar Bear Club celebrated New Year's day by swimming in the freezing waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Then later that afternoon, all the men joined the I-Can't-Find-My-Testicles Club.

Yesterday, Yasir Arafat said that he's hoping to reach a peace deal with Israel before President Clinton leaves the office. Arafat wants to reach a deal with Clinton because George W. Bush thinks the Palestinian state is somewhere in the Midwest.

Senator Strom Thurmond is in the news - a 98 year-old Senator Strom Thurmond has recommended that his son Strom Thurmond Jr. be appointed the U.S. Attorney for South Carolina. In his recommendation, Senator Thurmond wrote that his son is very bright, very hardworking, and shows a lot of maturity for an 82 year-old.

Last night, 250 ferry passengers got stranded for hours in the icy waters just off the coast of New Jersey. When asked to comment the passenger said, "You know, it's tough. But it could've been worse: We could've made it to New Jersey".

Vanilla Ice was arrested yesterday after police broke up a domestic dispute he was having with his wife about their telephone. Vanilla Ice was mad because his wife claimed the phone worked even though it hadn't rang for 5 years.

It's been reported that on a recent flight to Hawaii, George Michael, Elton John, and their boyfriends - this is true - they took over the first class cabin and had a really wild party. Apparently, George Michael really enjoyed the flight because he finished off 4 sacks of nuts.

George W. Bush's pick of the Secretary of Labor, Linda Chavez, has withdrawn her nomination because she was accused of hiring an illegal alien. However, George W. Bush's new Labor nominee may have even more trouble getting confirmed: apparently, it's Kathy Lee Gifford.

Yesterday, China sent a message to George W. Bush, saying that his US missile defense proposals will have "a formidable adverse global impact and they're poisoning the trend of multi-polarity". In response, George W. Bush said, "What?"

Yesterday, the US Treasury unveiled a brand-new quarter which features a special design honoring New York. The New York quarter features illustrations of the Statue of Liberty, the Hudson River, and a taxi driver running over his mother.

This week, 60 year-old actor Chuck Norris - Can you believe he's 60 years old? - he announced that he is leaving the show "Walker, Texas Ranger". Norris is reportedly angry because CBS wanted to change the name of the show to "Texas Ranger with a Walker".

In March, 20 men from Taiwan are gonna try to pull a Boeing 747 with ropes attached to their penises. It's all part of the worst-hijacking scheme ever.

Several days ago, singer Celine Dion gave birth to a baby boy; both are said to be doing fine. You can tell the boy takes after his mother because he's already retired 3 times from performing.

Recently, a handwritten note was found in a home once owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders. And for several days, it was thought to contain the Colonel's secret recipe. Eventually, they realized that the recipe was a fake because it requires using "real chicken".

Earlier tonight, President George W. Bush invited members of the Kennedy family over to watch the movie "13 Days" which is all about the Cuban missile crisis. Apparently, there was one awkward moment when half way through the movie George W. leaned over and said, "Gee, I wonder how it'll end".

One year ago today, Al Gore was declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary. In a related story, earlier today Al Gore was declared the winner of a game of Nintendo Football.