A group of sixth graders from New York were
invited to Washington to attend George W
Bush's inauguration. The sixth graders were
invited because they wrote George W's speech.
This weekend the XFL football league is going
to debut. It's being described by people
that it's much rougher than the NFL. Of course,
you know, the only way to be rougher than
the NFL is to actually murder people on the
field.
Leonard Decaprio may be getting sued because
he hauled horse manure at the paparazzi while
filming his latest movie. In his own defense,
Decaprio said, "That wasn't horse manure:
That was the script for my latest movie".
It's been reported by insiders at CBS that
the contestants of "Survivor 2"
snuck up one of their cast mates and caught
him masturbating. The cast mate claimed,
"He wasn't masturbating: He was just
polishing the old immunity idol".
The secret service caught a former-IRS employee
outside the White House after he fired 3
shots from a gun. The man was immediately
arrested and given a job at a post office.
A man carrying a gun was arrested just outside
the White House. The secret service says
the last weirdo who came that close to the
White House before being stopped was Al Gore.
In an effort to promote peace in the Middle
East, yesterday President George W. Bush
called Yasir Arafat. Things actually got
off to an awkward start because Bush picked
up the phone and he said, "Hey, aren't
you that guy with that thing on your head?"
Yesterday, Tom Cruise filed for divorce from
his wife Nicole Kidman. In the court papers,
Cruise stated the reason for the divorce
was "Irreconcilable difference in height".
Yesterday, the show "Bay Watch"
announced that it's going off the air. After
hearing this, President Clinton said, "This
never would have happened if I were still
president!"
In Florida today, O.J. Simpson surrender
to the police after being accuse of running
a red-light, then assaulting a man in a road-rage
incident. O.J. denied involvement but promised
to look for the real driver.
A popular soda has been banned in Japan because
they found contains one of the key ingredients
of Viagra. Apparently, it's lemon lime-flavored
drink called "7 'Way' Up".
Tomorrow, President George W. Bush makes
his first trip outside the country as president
when he travels to Mexico. When asked about
it, the President said, "I am really
looking forward to it -- I have never been
to Europe".
Since the first 2 locations have not worked
out yet, President Clinton is still looking
for a high-rise office space with a clear-view
of Manhattan. Meanwhile, Senator Hillary
Clinton is looking for a high-rise office
space with a clear-view of President Clinton.
In a recent interview, Britney Spears said
that she would love to do a duet with Michael
Jackson. Apparently, Britney feels a strong
connection with Jackson because his nose
and her boobs are made out of the same material.
This week, the producers of Sesame Street
fired 60 employees, and the employees are
talking to the press that they are worried
about how they'll be able to afford to put
food on their table. In a related story,
it turns out Kermit the Frog tastes a lot
like chicken.
In a speech in Ohio today, President Bush
says he wants to spend 5 billion dollars
to improve reading skills across the country.
The president made his point by looking into
the teleprompter and saying, "It is
very important that we impor reding".
It's been reported that Anthony Hopkins and
Martha Stewert have been dating for several
weeks. Apparently, they're a perfect couple:
he hollows out people's skulls and then she
turns them into a decorative centerpiece.
In Orlando, Florida, they just opened the
Holyland Experience. It's a theme park that
attempts to recapture what the life was like
in the early days of Jerusalem. Apparently,
at the entrance there's a sign that says,
"You must be this high to be crucified".
The other day, a Brooklyn man was arrested
after his apartment caught fire and he ran
back inside to save dozens of pot plants.
Later the man said, "I wasn't trying
to save the plants. I just didn't wanna waste
all that sweet sweet smoke".
According to a new study, men differ from
women because when men listen to women talk,
men only use half of their brains. Apparently,
they use the other half of their brains to
picture the woman naked.
The New York Post reports that 60% of NBA
players frequently smoke marijuana. Not only
that, 60% of XFL players are on antidepressant.
According to today's paper, O.J. Simpson
recently shot a porn movie where he has sex
with 2 women. If the report is true, it will
be the second time O.J. has gotten off in
front the whole country.
Yesterday, rapper M&M told MTV News that
when he first agreed to perform with Elton
John, he didn't know Elton John was gay.
Then M&M said he had to run so he could
go pick up chicks with his buddy Richard
Simons.
When Christina Aguilera was being interviewed
just before the Grammy Award the other day,
she said, "I am accustomed to all the
'hectisity' of these events". In a related
story, it turns out that Aguilera is the
main speechwriter for President Bush.
Yesterday, Senator Hillary Clinton denied
any knowledge that her brother accepted bribes.
Hillary was quoted as saying, "If I
don't know what my husband's up to, I certainly
don't know my brother's".
A man in Connecticut has been arrested because
he broke into a barn and performed sexual
acts on a bull. The man defended himself
by saying, "Hey, I thought it was a
cow!"