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FEBRUARY

A group of sixth graders from New York were invited to Washington to attend George W Bush's inauguration. The sixth graders were invited because they wrote George W's speech.

This weekend the XFL football league is going to debut. It's being described by people that it's much rougher than the NFL. Of course, you know, the only way to be rougher than the NFL is to actually murder people on the field.

Leonard Decaprio may be getting sued because he hauled horse manure at the paparazzi while filming his latest movie. In his own defense, Decaprio said, "That wasn't horse manure: That was the script for my latest movie".

It's been reported by insiders at CBS that the contestants of "Survivor 2" snuck up one of their cast mates and caught him masturbating. The cast mate claimed, "He wasn't masturbating: He was just polishing the old immunity idol".

The secret service caught a former-IRS employee outside the White House after he fired 3 shots from a gun. The man was immediately arrested and given a job at a post office.

A man carrying a gun was arrested just outside the White House. The secret service says the last weirdo who came that close to the White House before being stopped was Al Gore.

In an effort to promote peace in the Middle East, yesterday President George W. Bush called Yasir Arafat. Things actually got off to an awkward start because Bush picked up the phone and he said, "Hey, aren't you that guy with that thing on your head?"

Yesterday, Tom Cruise filed for divorce from his wife Nicole Kidman. In the court papers, Cruise stated the reason for the divorce was "Irreconcilable difference in height".

Yesterday, the show "Bay Watch" announced that it's going off the air. After hearing this, President Clinton said, "This never would have happened if I were still president!"

In Florida today, O.J. Simpson surrender to the police after being accuse of running a red-light, then assaulting a man in a road-rage incident. O.J. denied involvement but promised to look for the real driver.

A popular soda has been banned in Japan because they found contains one of the key ingredients of Viagra. Apparently, it's lemon lime-flavored drink called "7 'Way' Up".

Tomorrow, President George W. Bush makes his first trip outside the country as president when he travels to Mexico. When asked about it, the President said, "I am really looking forward to it -- I have never been to Europe".

Since the first 2 locations have not worked out yet, President Clinton is still looking for a high-rise office space with a clear-view of Manhattan. Meanwhile, Senator Hillary Clinton is looking for a high-rise office space with a clear-view of President Clinton.

In a recent interview, Britney Spears said that she would love to do a duet with Michael Jackson. Apparently, Britney feels a strong connection with Jackson because his nose and her boobs are made out of the same material.

This week, the producers of Sesame Street fired 60 employees, and the employees are talking to the press that they are worried about how they'll be able to afford to put food on their table. In a related story, it turns out Kermit the Frog tastes a lot like chicken.

In a speech in Ohio today, President Bush says he wants to spend 5 billion dollars to improve reading skills across the country. The president made his point by looking into the teleprompter and saying, "It is very important that we impor reding".

It's been reported that Anthony Hopkins and Martha Stewert have been dating for several weeks. Apparently, they're a perfect couple: he hollows out people's skulls and then she turns them into a decorative centerpiece.

In Orlando, Florida, they just opened the Holyland Experience. It's a theme park that attempts to recapture what the life was like in the early days of Jerusalem. Apparently, at the entrance there's a sign that says, "You must be this high to be crucified".

The other day, a Brooklyn man was arrested after his apartment caught fire and he ran back inside to save dozens of pot plants. Later the man said, "I wasn't trying to save the plants. I just didn't wanna waste all that sweet sweet smoke".

According to a new study, men differ from women because when men listen to women talk, men only use half of their brains. Apparently, they use the other half of their brains to picture the woman naked.

The New York Post reports that 60% of NBA players frequently smoke marijuana. Not only that, 60% of XFL players are on antidepressant.

According to today's paper, O.J. Simpson recently shot a porn movie where he has sex with 2 women. If the report is true, it will be the second time O.J. has gotten off in front the whole country.

Yesterday, rapper M&M told MTV News that when he first agreed to perform with Elton John, he didn't know Elton John was gay. Then M&M said he had to run so he could go pick up chicks with his buddy Richard Simons.

When Christina Aguilera was being interviewed just before the Grammy Award the other day, she said, "I am accustomed to all the 'hectisity' of these events". In a related story, it turns out that Aguilera is the main speechwriter for President Bush.

Yesterday, Senator Hillary Clinton denied any knowledge that her brother accepted bribes. Hillary was quoted as saying, "If I don't know what my husband's up to, I certainly don't know my brother's".

A man in Connecticut has been arrested because he broke into a barn and performed sexual acts on a bull. The man defended himself by saying, "Hey, I thought it was a cow!"


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